[Royce Wood Junnior - Valentine Virus Part Ii (II?) (Ode to Prod)]

I'm in a Spotify-playlist-making mood and came across this song through an autoplay on Royce Wood Junior's most popular songs library.

It sounds like the kind of song that would play at the end of the night, when things are coming to a happy close and you are glad to be where you are and are just appreciating the moment. For sitting by the water in a park with your best friend(s) and the city lights are glimmering from their reflections in the water. The drive home after spending time together going to a concert. Admiring the view after you went to the top of a high rise building or climbed the roof or hiked atop a hill for that insta #views photo. Maybe even the night before a reunion you're looking forward to.

Probably the image that protrudes the most is that of being with people you love and "being with you again", as Junior sings. I like how the song also feels kind of sad but uplifting at the same time. Like a reminder that you're putting in this effort and getting this work done--going through whatever it is youre going through--just so you can have the time to enjoy with certain others.

Okay. Basically I wrote this long and extensive description of how I feel listening to this song because I didn't have a playlist to match its vibe, yessssssssssssss

Take a listen below :)

St. Jerome Love

Lately I've been frequenting the letters written by St. Jerome to his colleagues.

St. Jerome was a catholic theologian, monk, priest, and historian who lived from around 342-420 A.D. I first stumbled upon him and his works in a daily Christian devotional-type email in which one of his quotes was featured. 

Anyways, during some of my work breaks when I''m pretending to look busy or am bored, or during dinner, when I have time for some quick reading, or when I'm seeking to encounter a devout Christian's personality and outlook on life, lately I've been curious to see how St. Jerome thinks, and writes, and corresponds with others.

Today during dinner, I started reading his "Letter [#3] to Rufinus the Monk", and his paragraph on how much he loves Rufinus, how he describes how much he longs to see and visit with Rufinus was just so inspiring--if that's the appropriate word? 

I want to realize that level of love for my loved ones (my fam and friends) because I do feel that these past two years I've become progressively more absent. I've been ghosting more and more, and this has not lent itself to helping me be a good friend or family member. I do live with my family though, so ghosting isn't always possible (actually it mostly never is), but with my friends, it's been really problematic. :(

The section that really caught my attention was this [emphasis mine]:

Had it not been that my wasted and enfeebled frame fettered my movements, neither the summer heat nor the dangerous voyage should have had power to retard the rapid steps of affection. Believe me, brother, I look forward to seeing you more than the storm-tossed mariner looks for his haven, more than the thirsty fields long for the showers, more than the anxious mother sitting on the curving shore expects her son.

Omg how beautifully described 😩😩

A love that so quickly goes to meet the other because they long to reunite, or a love that goes to do what the other wishes for because both parties will the good of the other and from that trust & desire to help the other they do as each other wills; a love manifested in the "rapid steps of affection". AGH WOWW 😭. A love that is not limited by environmental factors like it being too hot out to travel (mind you this is in the year 374 A.D. so there's no cars or modern technological means to travel), or by it being dangerous. A joy and excitement and some type of fulfillment or security in being with the other. Cot dayum..

What can I say about that other than first and foremost acknowledging that I (would hope to) aspire to reach that kind of zealousness in love for God in my life. Secondly, to have that kind of appreciation for my friends and family. I'm truly a very entitled and selfish and complacent person, so to see how St. Jerome regards his friend, Rufinus, is very motivating for me to too reach a place in my mind/heart/outlook where I can regard my friends with similar fervour.

Thanks be to God for bringing to light (to me) this type of devotedness, and God Bless! 

Before It's Too Late (ROUGH)

i feel this trend of our social media generation starting to wake up from the perfection everyone sees on online/public profiles. we all know the truth that life is not as pretty as our posts. many people's advice is to minimize social media use. I think we're all starting to realize the negative effects it can have on ourselves and others, and after the frenzy that has been the last few years, it seems MAYBE our generation is coming around to learning how to balance our use of it in our lives and be more moderate about it. i think we see, whether consciously or not, that its temporarily distracting yet not fulfilling; its not enough and so we're all turning to the world outside of the one online. that's our generations coming of age struggle and story it seems.

Eff You Subconscious!

My subconscious and perfectionism causes me to blow many things out of proportion. I often think I have to make something perfect before I can consider it finished, and therefore before the public sees it or I show it to someone.

But I'm working against that mood tonight!

Around 40 mins ago, my mind was firing off with so many ideas and motivation to create, and excitement to do so as well. So I made a quick snack, and came back to my desk to jump on into what I wanted to do, and then inevitably got distracted by my superficial/pointless to do list (which included watching the DJ Khaled 'I Got the Keys" music video, and finding the director on IG, which is my under the radar way of keeping up with all my influences. I really liked the black and white theme, and the shots were beautiful. The director , Daniel Kaufman, wasn't on IG tho. I thus followed him on Vimeo in the end of my search for his social media accounts. But back to the point.)

ANYWAYS, this post is not gonna follow a coherent, logical flow, as per usual in alllll of my posts. But what it will do is not try to even hide or transition topics at all :) This is basically gonna be a list of concepts and ideas that I've been thinking about the past few hours.

Actually I'm impressed that in a way explaining the purpose of this post was sort of a transition. I'm also impressed by how my writing seems to be coherent so far.

The last three paragraph-y sentences started with A's, you guys. Thats pretty coo.

So the first thing I wanted to note was that Kylie Jenner marked that 2016 as the Year of Realizing Stuff. However, will she find that every year is the year of realizing stuff? Both individually and as a society?

Secondly, I realized I have a lot of interests, and I guess (?) hobbies, but if they're not hobbies they are at least interests. I am incredibly privileged to be able to be interested in: dance; filming videos; editing videos; music; making music including beats and melodies, and hopefully one day can/will write a song :D; photography; photoshop and digital art; prayer; Holy Scripture; reading the lives and writings of the saints; cooking is starting to be fun to me; social justice and learning/enacting on methods/means of improving our society; blogging; vlogging; podcasting or having a talk show or BEING A DJ?! for a radio station?! Don't know between music DJ-ing or talk radio-type hosting more?; also I like to learn about the Catholic faith and study how that relates to other religions; learning about everyday life skills (ie. helpful every day financial knowledge); I would like to learn more about website design and coding; and being in academia (this last one I say while I'm off school, so my mindset is obv different than it would be in the middle of writing an essay). So, I've concluded I want to become a renaissance woman of sorts, a la Childish Gambino, Bishop Robert Barron, Tinashe, Brian Puspos, Eddie Huang..  I can't think of many other women renaissance-type inspo's right now? Only like master-of-one type women. But when I do I'll add them to this list here :) If you are reading this it's too late please add a comment on who is a rennaissance woman or man who you think I would know and didn't include and/or who I should check out! A lot of my friends are also huge inspirations to me, as I see them do so many cool things and explore their talents/skills/abilities/interests and are all so intelligent and kind, all the while being my friend.
I think one day, I can then start to proliferate these interests into ones that stand the still-interesting-to-me test of time, and become a master of one, or two. Yeeknow? That's goals.
Before, I thought pursing these things were just hobbies and thus, a lil bit of a waste of time. But I realized today that at this age (early 20's), its good to actually involve yourself/myself in these activities, because then you/I are exploring God's creation, and your talents and interests. Then later, you can better decide which one to focus more on and put more effort into. This adds another element to consider regarding the old "don't put all your eggs in one basket" saying. Not that I have a full out argument in support of or against the saying, but it's something to consider: that at some point in your life you need to choose one direction to go in, no? Is having back up plans and different things going on for you smart? or does it distract? ah, the maybe just-as-old contradicting argument to that saying.
I realized also that I talk a lot about inspirations on this blog lol. Maybe that says something about me. I'll take note.

Uhm, I forgot what else I wanted to say.

Right now its May 2017, and its one of the most prime times of the year where you just have this sense of vast opportunity awaiting you for the summer, where you'll have more free time, and more sunny days to give you no excuse of sitting around! Being in my early 20's, I also feel like that same opportunistic feeling pervades in my outlook on life right now too. I have my whole life ahead of me, as they say. I also should enjoy and utilize one moment at a time, as it is given to us, and may be in God's will. I want to do this and that and see where it could me and where I could go. I guess I'm also conflicted because my life, my time and treasures and talents are all a gift from God. "Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold," (1 Peter 1:18), I want to not only dedicate all these pursuits for our Lord God, but seek His will in my life, and do everything to proclaim and spread His glory, which how to do that, I'm still figuring out. 

Thanks for joining me in my cognitive exploration of my thoughts today. 🙏

Just a note

I really admire people like Tavi Gevinson, and Lorde, and idk anyone else that I can't think of right now who have made waves in this world of young people getting shit done, making a name for themselves--creatively and shiet. Ah its just awesome and admirable what these people are doing.
Ok I'm kind of lost in my head and my thoughts as I'm writing this, lol, while still trying to make clear what i'm thinking/meaning to communicate, so just bear with me as I'm attempting to map out my thoughts lmao (what am I saying??)
I'm just saying, I guess, that I think it's cool as shit that young people like the aforementioned can embrace their creativity and possible outcast-like characteristics, and come through and change culture, or like idk have influence over their generation and such. Even though society, or even just certain people--maybe even yourself--can be so negative, can limit your goals, can bring down your confidence and imagination and ambitions and just idk your whole persona.
I said this before, but when I was younger(11 or 12 yrs old to be exact), I really wanted be a popular blogger (or at least have some kind of small following) and actually, Tavi was a real inspiration in that aspiration ('lol'iration). She was this off-beat, peculiar 12 yr old kid at the same time I was, and she had a popular fashion blog and, I wanted to be corky and as seemingly self-assured as she was.
But then growing up happened and you know, you try to fit in as much as you can while still keeping your identity. So both a) trying to fit within socially acceptable norms and b) developing and maintaining one's own individuality, morphed together and became a part of who I am today (or so I think?).
These past few years, I've acquired these confidence issues where I'm always doubting myself, degrading myself for not being as skilled in certain things as so-and-so or whoever. I'm always looking up to others, and wishing to be more like them, but rarely ever content with myself. Idk where these issues came from..part society, part parents, part maybe personal laziness (??). Let me explain. Negative thinking really gets to me, and myself and other people saying things like "you can't do that, that's impossible!" or "the likelihood is very small, and ya you definitely won't be able to do that" or "no you wouldnt be good at that" or "thats weird, nobody does that" and just all this putting down and filling with doubt really convinced that all these beliefs are true. And then I use all these beliefs as excuses for why I don't even try to achieve things of my own--excuses that in actuality mask my laziness to not try to achieve things. Its just easier to sit around and be a lazy teenager, just going about the small (though still equally important) things like doing homework and focusing on school and friends and other aspects of life.
So what I'm getting at is that I really commend and truly admire those who have fought off this negative, closed-box thinking; their laziness; accepting their unconventional-ness and embracing it. Them standing their ground instead of being wishy-washy in what they believe in, and basically forcing the world to celebrate them through sheer creativity, talent, and perseverance is so fucking wonderful and I love it and okIthinkI'vesaidenough,bye.

[Big Sean - Ashley (ft. Miguel)]

New video from Big Sean's Hall of Fame. I'm a little pressed for time so I won't say much, except its a great video. There's also some nudity, just warning ya lol.

One of my favourite songs off his album. Enjoy!

Song: 8/10
Video: 8.75/10

P.S. really wish I could get back into this blogging thing. Missing it maaaang ..takes forever to make an interesting post tho, ain't nobody got time for that!

☮-out.

Wow I dont think it really hit me till tonight that like, I’m going to uni in just over a week from now. Holy shit..

All my friends are going off to places 2-5, even 7.5 hours away and I’m gonna miss them :’( Seriously I just got teary-eyed.. aw fck. I don’t even hang out with my friends that much in the summer, like I see yall bout 2/3 times a month, but I still love yall YAHM MEAN. I’m not the type of person to go out all the time and just be social 24/7, but I mean, in high school, that’s when I see these people every day, and it kind of makes me sad to know we wont get to be together like that anymore. Even with people that I’m not as close with as before or with those that I didn’t really click with..like we had some good times and I still enjoyed your presence in ma life. Just the whole small-town/sheltered-highschool community and vibe… I’m gonna miss that. So to everyone at our caf table and that other caf table that i-dont-know-how-to-describe-on-here: I’m gonna miss you all. Hope your summer was great. Hope you all have a wonderful time at your choice of post-secondary lifestlye. Wish you all the best! Ciao 4 nao