This past hour hit me with something. A realization, if you will.
Maybe it's the over-thinking talking, or maybe I'm just facing the normal teenage terror question: "Who am I?". Actually, I shouldn't label this question as a teenager thing, but rather a universal wondering that is faced at all ages.
Damn I sound smart. I didn't notice until now the eloquent half moon goin on outside in the sky. Floating, hovering, shining bright & beautifully. It's fucking marvelous. --And yes, I had to add in the F word in there, because that literally is what the moon looks like right now.
Anyways, back to the topic, I was reading through the February 2009 posts on hurr, and maan was I ever witty! Like, I was actually decent at blogging. I don't know about now--I think I've lost almost all credibility when the Pod turned into like--diary entries, and venting; this included. /The moon's hiding.
So basically just the simple act of reading and reminiscing (RR), that somehow catapulted me into thinking, that I've lost myself. Or have I just changed? I mean, a year or two ago, I was 10 pounds lighter, had blunt bangs & a center part, wore no makeup, and had my own individual style. I had passions. Photoshop, photography, web design, reading, blogging, snowboarding, making musc, film, fashion, dance... and now? Now, those passions are merely interests. It's--sad. Where did my passions dissolve away too, huh? Like, what haaappened to me.
I remember, when I had small little dreams of becoming a music/fashion/personal (basically mixed media) blog with an audience of hundreds. Hahaaah, I had like one follower at the time and it was my sister. Or when I would learn all the kpop dances & me/tiff/sham actually got up off our lazy asses and did a dance for Youth4Youth and it was definitely one of the best experiences of the year. You see.. remarkable things like that. Where did they go maayyn! Like shit, I used to make films. Well, short little videos for assignments at school, but one summer me&erin made a Lady Gaga music video.. I never edited it though, but I still have the raw footage. I wanted to start a Youtube channel with my friends, and it would've documented our average daily lives. Or when I took up learning piano and I almost played at my Gr.8 graduation ceremony, but then realized I sucked. But it was okay. I was ambitious. I saved about $200 to buy a DSLR camera a few years ago.. never happened, but y'know.. I tried. I actually made pretty sick banners & edits on Photoshop and shit. Idunnooo. I mean, who's to say I can't still do those things, right? I think I might have to take up all those things again. But what sucks is that when I say I'm gonna do something.. I usually end up not doing it. Hmmph.
So how did I get here then..? I have always been a lazy person, but probably what happened is just that lazy blob pulled me under its wing, and the rest took care of itself from there. I'm so tumblr-influenced, and waahh kind of lost my individuality in there.
Then again, maybe I'm not worsening, I'm just uhh, evolving. I'm just more hiphop and less hipster. I listen to a lot of rap, and I dress kind of street-influenced. I know more about dance styles, and I do crosswords now.
...Actually, it's pretty hard to think of the positve aspects in this situation. I don't really like this new me as much. Don't get me wrong--I think my personality has stayed relatively the same, but my attitude is completely different.. I should get to steppin all of this. :)
Peace, fellow Zoot Podders <3
2011: I don't wanna make empty promises here, but, I think I'm back :D